BDSM 101: My Journey #BDSM101

My Journey into BDSM

bdsmAnyone who knows me knows I do not like talking about myself. In fact I’m quite good at saying a lot, without saying anything at all, when it comes to me. However, since I’m being real with these BDSM 101 lessons and I want you to take them seriously, I am going to share with you a little about my journey. It may be like yours or it may be completely different. But this is how I came to be where I am now.

Takes deep breath…

I have to say I’ve been submissive and kinky my entire life. I just didn’t realize that was a good thing until the summer of 2000.

From the beginning

My parents were both advocates of their two daughters being leaders. I couldn’t tell you how many times I got the “You have to be in control” lecture. All the feminist arguments were shoved down my throat and I struggled with why it seemed so easy for my sister and so difficult for me. Dear god, I couldn’t even make a decision without tying myself in knots, let alone try and control what went on around me. It made me physically ill. I appreciate my parents wanted more for me and my sister than to be doormats, but I was a very confused teenager and young woman. I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t easily do all the things feministic ideology told me I should do because “I am woman, here me roar!”

I’m also one of those girls who had detailed sexual dreams as long as I can remember. The first one I remember in detail I was about 7 years old and it was freakishly kinky – even today there are people in the kink world who would gasp horrified. Yes. I’ve been kinky a long time. But I kept those needs to myself because “OMG, if I tell anyone they’re going to think I’m a freak and put me away somewhere.”

Summer 2000

Fast forward to the summer of 2000. I’d been getting by trying to be the ‘good girl’ and trying to control my life and trying to be the person people told me I should be. What did it get me? A severe emotional  breakdown and a brain tumor. Oh yay  (*that was sarcasm folks*)

So a couple years after the breakdown, I was working and living in Tucson, AZ. And of course that was the time when MSN chatrooms ruled the social aspect of online. Remember those? I couldn’t type worth beans back then, but I must say chatrooms really helped with that. I did not hang around in any sexual chatrooms. In fact, if I remember how this started, I created my own chatroom for people like me at the time: Mormons who didn’t believe anymore but were too fucking scared to quit the religion.

Enter Lord Voldemort

One day a guy came in and we struck up a conversation. LV (Short for Lord Voldemort) was fun, had a great sense of humor, and we got along well. We started chatting on MSN messenger and I had no idea about any of this BDSM stuff until one day he and I were chatting over messenger and he was sending me some pics of lingerie and I can’t remember exactly what he said, but my training kicked in and I said:

“Wow. You really like your woman submissive, don’t you?”

And he said three words that changed my fucking life.

“Yes. I do.”

There was no apology. No excuse. No trying to pretend he was politically correct. Just “Yes. I do.”

Finding Home

I don’t know about you, but when I connect with a truth about myself, I feel it in my entire  body. As if I find ‘home’ by capturing that truth. And in that three words of his, I found my truth. I connected to the term submissive as if I had always known it.

But don’t think that with that ‘ta-da’ it was easy from then on out. No, it wasn’t. I knew it was me, but other people’s definitions and condemnations didn’t fit. “A submissive is… A submissive does…” LV was good for that. He answered my questions. Never judged me. And set me on the path of learning. And boy did I learn. I checked out every BDSM chat room I could find. 99.9% of them were shit. But I did find one on learning BDSM that I went to. I did learn a lot from that chat room. But it changed as all rooms do and I went looking elsewhere. Again I found a room I felt comfortable in learning… until I found out what a liar the head of it was.

Again, I kept searching. And that is one thing about me. When I want to know something. I don’t give up easily. And that’s a good thing or I would have walked away before I really began to learn myself.

My First Dom

My first dom lived in Scottsdale, Arizona. He was probably twenty years older than I was, had been in the lifestyle for awhile, and was one smart cookie. Looking back, I’m sure he had dealt with newbie subs before. He was kind, firm, and started slowly. He didn’t try to kick me into the end of the pool. Instead, over months, he slowly created incredible trust. And he focused on my submission, not play, which was perfect for me as my submission is a huge part of who I am and I connected with it easier than I would have if he’d focused purely on play or sex.

And he taught me to love rituals and corner time. It’s kind of funny,  but when I hear people discuss corner time and associate it with humiliation and discipline, that does not compute for me. To me, corner time is freeing. It’s 30-60 minutes where I can disconnect from my brain and just be. It’s meditative for me. It’s a solace.

We ended up not going on beyond six months because the next step would have been for me to move in with him and A: I had a job in Tuscon and B: he smoked. I cannot take being in a room with cigarette smoke or I’ll start coughing,  hacking, and will end up sick if I have to inhale it for long – even secondhand smoke.

But I’ll always remember those first few months with a sense of comparing all other doms to him.

Tucson, AZ

I found a local group in Tucson and wrote them. A domme *(I wish I could remember her name but I don’t)* wrote  back and we struck up a friendship. She invited me to check out the club’s dungeon space but I wasn’t ready yet. However, I felt comfortable with her and she invited me out to coffee and said she would bring a dom for me to meet.

Um… there I was a mostly-newbie for all intents and purposes and she  brought a dom who was into knife play, fire play, and rape play. I actually scooted my chair away from he told me. (Okay, I’m embarrassed about that now, but back then it freaked me out.)

As nervous as he made me, I still wanted to learn and I wanted to find another dom. So I went to a munch. For those unfamiliar with the term, a munch is a meeting of kinky people in a vanilla environment – usually involving food. It’s a way for those dipping their toes into the pool to go in and meet people in a slightly less scary environment.

The munch

It wasn’t less scary. It was terrifying. I walked in to a side room they’d reserved at the restaurant and shy little ole me froze as everyone looked at me. I slid between some tables and sat alone. The scary dom was there and he turned and said something to his sub. She got up, her entire posture saying she did not want to do whatever he told her, and came up to me. She told me if I was there to socialize I’d better talk to them or to get the fuck out.

So what did I do? I RAN! Out of my chair and out of that restaurant instantly. I got in my car and peeled out of the parking lot, tears running down my face. After that meeting, I hung back for about 6 months. During that time I was online dating Paul. Ugh. Paul. He said he was a dom and me being a new sub, I believed him. Now I know he was nothing more than a user who found BDSM a good way to get what he wanted.

Anyway, I wasn’t ready to give up on the local group yet and I contacted the domme again. She invited me to meet for coffee again and brought a different dom. Now him I liked. He was about my age, was relatively new, but he had this vibe that just… made my heart go pitter patter.

HELLO!

I joined the club and went to a couple of their lessons wherein I quickly realized that bitch sub (from the munch) was just a bitch so I did everything I could to ignore her. Then I went to play night.

The dom I met at the coffee shop – I think his name was Brian? – put cuffs on me and showed me a little about bondage. I remember thinking – okay, so this is boring. He was co-topping a scene with the domme that night and asked me if I’d like to view it. I did but at the same time another dom was chatting me up and I thought it rude to just walk away. I didn’t follow  him fast enough and Brian grabbed my cuffs and jerked me forward. FUCKING HELLO! Second wake up call. I loved it when he took control. It lit up every fire within me possible.

However, Paul mucked things up. I had promised to call him when I got home from the party and I did and he rained all over my parade until I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I continue? Should I not? Paul was an online relationship and a few weeks later, I went to meet him. If you’ve read my other posts, he’s the one who raped me.

That relationship fucked things up majorly for me. Not only did I dig myself into a mental hole and refused to even consider talking to men, let alone date or play with one, but I had nothing more to do with the Tucson BDSM group. I ‘convinced’ myself that “I know I’m submissive. I don’t actually need a dom to fulfill that side of me.”

Anyone else shaking their head and going “Oh no”?

Yeah. Keeping away from BDSM did not work. I craved it. For years I stayed away and then I moved to Portland, OR. I had been working on my self esteem and was feeling pretty good about me and when I got settled, I started looking into the local scene. To be honest, I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not a ‘scene’ person, but it’s hard to find others who do BDSM unless you are into it. I found Fetlife and through it, members of the PDX BDSM scene. (This was before Fetlife got too big and was actually filled with people who had been into BDSM for awhile.)

Portland and Kink

Portland is a fun city. It’s one of my favorites. However, PDX is one of those pansexual communities that believes that kink does NOT include sex. Except for the BDSM parties monthly at the local swinger’s club, the private clubs had rules and they included “NO SEX”.

Now I appreciate that to some people BDSM play and sex are separate. They aren’t to me. It’s all tied together (no pun intended). But I got to know people in the scene and made some friends. I went to the regular weekly Wednesday munches downtown. I even went to a few play parties. However, right before I left Portland is when I scened with the dom who drove right through my safeword and made me wonder if I could ever trust a dom again.

Moving on and in

However disappointing the scene with that dom was, I was firmly back on the road of deepening my submission and trying to push my boundaries. Ever tried to push your own boundaries when you aren’t sure what they are yet? Yeah. Fun.

Actually it wasn’t too bad. I had my eyes opened to a few things and a few months after I left Portland, I had another epiphany and recognized a slave within this submissive. It was a shock. When I first recognized the submissive inside, I said “But I’ll never be a slave.” You know: never say never. Instead of being this horrible thing I had built up in my head about the term ‘slave’, again it was finding a part of myself. Because it wasn’t what other people said it was. I welcomed that part of me I had rejected into the whole.

In the years since, I’ve checked out many different clubs in the Washington State area. I’ve gone from the Tri-Cities to Seattle and have found nowhere that feels even remotely like home so I stopped going to parties or clubs. But I haven’t stopped my own growth.

I learned so much about myself and how strong I am now that I’ve accepted the different aspects of my submission. I know where some of my hard limits are. Closed relationship. Males only. No humiliation… as well as a few others. And I’ve learned to ignore people who try and push their version of BDSM on me. One guy actually said “You won’t have sex with other girls so you’re not really a submissive.” What an idiot.

Limit’s list

When I first started out, my limits list allowed like 3 things. Now, out of the 161 items on the list, there are only 20 things that are absolute no’s. The rest are either yes’s or soft limits. So one’s perspective and needs change and one’s kinks open the more secure you feel about yourself.

I still believe the right dom is out there for me. But I have no fucking clue how to find him.

From here forward

And that’s my story. From here forward, the lessons will be on BDSM. I hope you can learn something from them and if you have any pointers, share those as well. BDSM is not an end point. It’s just a beginning. So join me on this journey through BDSM 101.

 

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