Today I am excited to be part of the Spanking Round Table – or at least I was when I signed up. Then when I started going over the topic, I was all: Well, I could talk about ‘this’ relationship, or ‘this’ one, or ‘this’…and it went to the tune of “OH, shit! I’ve been in far too many ‘nilla relationships and no wonder the damned things didn’t work out.”
The topic this month is The Vanilla Spouse: What happens when your significant other doesn’t share your fetish?
This is a very valid topic and I applaud Katherine for suggesting it. Just what do we do when our SO doesn’t share in what we need? For my answer, I’m going to talk about my last ‘nilla boyfriend.
Paul and I got to know one another online. This was 11 years ago. I had been in the BDSM lifestyle for a little over a year and was still finding my sea legs. He was interested in the lifestyle and we spent hours talking about our interests, fetishes, desires, needs. The one great thing about online is that you can spend time truly talking and getting to know one another.
The bad thing about online is the other person can be lying their bloody ass off.
I went to New Zealand to spend two weeks with him. I brought the few toys I had – and at that time, I didn’t have anything for pain. I had no idea then just how much I would come to enjoy a certain level of pain with my pleasure.
On one of our first nights together, I offered him a few silk ties I had brought to tie me up. He freaked out, not willing to do it because he was afraid he would hurt me. Strike 1. As we had talked so much about this online, sirens went off, but hell, I was in NZ to enjoy myself so I didn’t put too much stock in it.
Until he refused the next thing. And the next. As it turned out, the reason he was interested in getting to know girls in the BDSM lifestyle was because he wanted anal sex. This was back when that was a hard limit for me.
On our last night together, I already knew he was not the guy for me – could never be the guy for me – but even if I hadn’t, he proved it when he anally raped me.
Now, I’m kind of an all-or-nothing girl. I know some people can put things aside for other things – such as, they can give up ‘spanking’ because they are with the man/woman of their dreams. There are some things I can give up. There are others I cannot. I could give up being flogged, but not discipline. I could give up several of my kinks, but I could never give up being a submissive who needs her dominant partner.
I think it comes down to “is this just for fun?” or “is this part of who I am?”
If the kink is just for fun, you can give it up – in fact, if it’s just for fun, you would probably give it up in a few years anyway. But if it is an intrinsic part of your nature, giving it up is akin to having to cut off an arm or a leg – or even worse, having that arm or leg and not being able to use it. At that point, if you are in a relationship with someone who cannot fulfill that need? I guess it depends on who you are as to what you’d do.
For me? I would probably look at ending the relationship. For some, they might be able to ask for an open or poly relationship so they can get that need filled. The ones I feel sorry for are those who will stay where they are, part of them dying inside.
Some would call that noble. I wouldn’t. Harming yourself just harms those around you. Being unhappy just makes those around you unhappy. If you don’t live your happiest, best life? Then how can you expect your children to?
Okay, now that you’ve heard my 25 cents worth (what? inflation!), go ahead and check out the other posts!