I hate phones.
I hate the ringing, the jabbering of the person on the other end, the fact they expect me to pay attention to whatever they are saying, and the fact that 99,999 calls out of 100,000 aren’t even of interest. Unless I buy into a computerized voice telling me that “The FBI reports there is a break-in every 1.2 seconds…”
But even there, that is not the worst part of phones.
What is the worst part?
See, it used to be that the best way to get away from a ‘phone’ was to leave your house. Nobody would expect to reach you with such important anecdotes as:
* “Turn on ABC! Michael Jackson’s back!”
* “You won’t believe what happened on…[insert your chosen tv program here]”
* “We know your time is important, but we want to rip you off so if you just give us your bank account number, maybe we’d stop calling you…”
Nowadays, with the cellphone, that is no longer the case. Oh, no. Everyone expects you to have a cellphone. (I don’t.) And expects you to answer a phone if you have one. (I don’t.) And gets upset because “what idiot doesn’t have a phone?” (Me, so get used to it.)
And yet, of the countless times people have complained about this to me, not one time has been because of an actual emergency. Not once. Nope. Nada. No – they wanted to complain about their husband, tell me about a sale they were looking at in the grocery store, talk about being cut off in traffic, or a myriad of other stupidities.
Look folks. I’ve got a life. Do I have skype? Yep. But it’s never logged on unless I have plans to speak with someone. And that won’t be changing. I love the freedom of not being chained to a stupid electronic device that could ring or buzz at any moment. Plus, as an author? If I’m in writing mode and the words are flowing and I’m getting right at the apex of a scene and we’re just about to figure out why character ‘killer’ murdered character ‘dead body’ and you call me? I would scream into the phone at you – would be tempted to grab a megaphone and blast it into the mouthpiece as I picked up the handset – and your ears would ring for hours…if not bleed.
So my not having a phone is a public service really. Be grateful I don’t want one of those dreaded devices. Just think of all the people who would have hearing difficulties if I had and answered the damned thing.