Hey Santa? I have an idea.

Hey, Santa,

Can we talk? Just a few minutes; I promise I won’t take up much of your time. Two minutes? Why thank you!

I know your time is short and your elves have been making toys for good little girls and boys all year, but I have a suggestion for you.

Create a new area for toys for big girls and boys. Just for those of us who are naughty and over the age of 18. Just a few things. Dildos, vibrators, fucking machines… Are you writing this down? Some might fit into a stocking, but others? Just sit them right between the fireplace and the tree. We can move them later.

How about Creams? Nipple clamps? Sexy outfits? Come on, don’t tell me you aren’t imagining Mrs. Claus in a tight Santa Teddy.

Oh. You are thinking of Elf Rudy in a Reindeer Suit? Well, if that’s your thing, then go for it. But at least you are thinking about it. Now, on with my suggestions.

How about a sex chair that passes as regular furniture, but has tons of restraints for extra-naughty play?

Or a few crops, paddles, and slappers for those extra-naughty boys and girls… don’t worry, their partners can make sure they are punished for their endeavors.

What? Can you watch? Well, sure, why not! I’m sure after getting such amazing gifts from you, they wouldn’t mind putting on a show. Hell, it might make it hotter for them. Will sure make your night more enjoyable, now won’t it?

Wait, what did you say? Restraints in red and white with green tassles? Well, now you are thinking, Santa. Oh, and a rocking horse that is also a fucking machine? I knew you had it in you. You are kinky deep down, aren’t you, you jolly old elf?

Whoa! You want to create what? A spanking machine? Are you sure, Santa? Can you spare the elves necessary to mass-create such an item and get it to all of us by Christmas? Really? Well, hot damn! I don’t have a chimney, but there is a window right in my bedroom I can leave open for you. Just shimmy on down.

Wait, wait, Santa! Come back! I didn’t mean right… oh dear.

Oh, boy, He’s off on a tute now. He’s shouting out orders for Santa dildos and vibrators, spanking and fucking machines and peppermint creams. He just ordered the toy factory shut down and all elves to report to paddle and dildo duty.

FUCK! He just told the reindeer that if they don’t get with the program they will turn into a whip one day.

Whatever have I done? I will just quietly back away. They will never know I was here…

Uh, Santa? Put my name down for a Reindeer flogger, would you?

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