Is this part of who I am? #SpankingRound 19

Today I am excited to be part of the Spanking Round Table – or at least I was when I signed up. Then when I started going over the topic, I was all: Well, I could talk about ‘this’ relationship, or ‘this’ one, or ‘this’…and it went to the tune of “OH, shit! I’ve been in far too many ‘nilla relationships and no wonder the damned things didn’t work out.”

The topic this month is The Vanilla Spouse: What happens when your significant other doesn’t share your fetish?

This is a very valid topic and I applaud Katherine for suggesting it. Just what do we do when our SO doesn’t share in what we need? For my answer, I’m going to talk about my last ‘nilla boyfriend.

Paul and I got to know one another online. This was 11 years ago. I had been in the BDSM lifestyle for a little over a year and was still finding my sea legs. He was interested in the lifestyle and we spent hours talking about our interests, fetishes, desires, needs. The one great thing about online is that you can spend time truly talking and getting to know one another.

The bad thing about online is the other person can be lying their bloody ass off.

I went to New Zealand to spend two weeks with him. I brought the few toys I had – and at that time, I didn’t have anything for pain. I had no idea then just how much I would come to enjoy a certain level of pain with my pleasure.

On one of our first nights together, I offered him a few silk ties I had brought to tie me up. He freaked out, not willing to do it because he was afraid he would hurt me. Strike 1. As we had talked so much about this online, sirens went off, but hell, I was in NZ to enjoy myself so I didn’t put too much stock in it.

Until he refused the next thing. And the next. As it turned out, the reason he was interested in getting to know girls in the BDSM lifestyle was because he wanted anal sex. This was back when that was a hard limit for me.

On our last night together, I already knew he was not the guy for me – could never be the guy for me – but even if I hadn’t, he proved it when he anally raped me.

Now, I’m kind of an all-or-nothing girl. I know some people can put things aside for other things – such as, they can give up ‘spanking’ because they are with the man/woman of their dreams. There are some things I can give up. There are others I cannot. I could give up being flogged, but not discipline. I could give up several of my kinks, but I could never give up being a submissive who needs her dominant partner.

I think it comes down to “is this just for fun?” or “is this part of who I am?”

If the kink is just for fun, you can give it up – in fact, if it’s just for fun, you would probably give it up in a few years anyway. But if it is an intrinsic part of your nature, giving it up is akin to having to cut off an arm or a leg – or even worse, having that arm or leg and not being able to use it. At that point, if you are in a relationship with someone who cannot fulfill that need? I guess it depends on who you are as to what you’d do.

For me? I would probably look at ending the relationship. For some, they might be able to ask for an open or poly relationship so they can get that need filled. The ones I feel sorry for are those who will stay where they are, part of them dying inside.

Some would call that noble. I wouldn’t. Harming yourself just harms those around you. Being unhappy just makes those around you unhappy. If you don’t live your happiest, best life? Then how can you expect your children to?

Okay, now that you’ve heard my 25 cents worth (what? inflation!), go ahead and check out the other posts!

19 thoughts on “Is this part of who I am? #SpankingRound

  • Tara Finnegan

    Oh, wow. We&#39;re arguing exactly the opposite! What an excellent, thought provoking post. Because I got lucky and my vanilla spouse turned out not to be quite so vanilla, I guess I sometimes forget it&#39;s not always like that. <br /><br />You&#39;re so right, what happens in the event of a situation where you really can&#39;t share the kink will really come down to how important it is in

    • Thianna D

      &quot;But I think sometimes vanilla might not be vanilla, they just don&#39;t know the alternative flavours yet.&quot;<br /><br />Good point! Sometimes they need to be gently introduced. Vanilla can be just a starting point. <br /><br />Oh, that sounds like an interesting idea for a book…

  • katherinedeane

    Wow, Thianna, what a %$%$ b*stard! He makes me so angry. I agree with Tara. <br />You bring up a very sensitive subject that I actually did contemplate at what point. <br />What IF my husband hadn&#39;t been willing?<br />You are so right about this being a living part of us.<br />It&#39;s a tough thought.<br />This was a very honest, intimate post, and I admire your willingness to share this.

    • Thianna D

      Thanks, Katherine :)<br /><br />There have been times in my life where I threw up my hands and thought &#39;this ain&#39;t ever gonna happen&#39;, but I&#39;m in a hopeful spot now. He&#39;s out there right now.<br /><br />Probably lost because he won&#39;t ask for directions πŸ˜‰

  • Natasha Knight

    Wow – what a horrible experience. I&#39;m sorry you had to meet that a**hole. I like what you say about it being for fun or it being a part of you. I also agree with the idea that if you&#39;re not happy, you can&#39;t hide it, no matter how hard you try. <br /><br />I just read Katherine&#39;s post abut the disciplinarian she visited and appreciate that she told her husband up front and he gave

    • Thianna D

      Relationships are difficult no matter which way you look at them. I&#39;m glad I &#39;came&#39; to my realizations about who I was before I got into a serious relationship. I was engaged when I was 20 and we didn&#39;t get married. Looking back, I am so grateful, because it would have ended up in divorce. For more reasons than just the kink.

  • Ruth Staunton

    Reply take two after the net troll ate the first one:<br /><br />First and Foremost, I am terribly sorry you had to go through such a horrible and traumatic experience. There is no excuse for rape – ever.<br /><br />Secondly, I&#39;m right there with you about this being a part of me. Yes, there are some things I can be open-minded about, but there are parts of it (discipline being one of the

    • Thianna D

      There is a freedom to knowing that, isn&#39;t there? Knowing what you need and that if you &#39;settle&#39; for less that you won&#39;t be happy.<br /><br />Now, we both just need to find the right D-type πŸ˜€

  • Joelle Casteel

    Thanks for sharing that, Thianna. My first thought, and not a comment on you, but more that guy and society in general, is sexual dishonesty. Did you see the article on The Good Men project about it? It&#39;s sad to me that that guy assumed being into BDSM would mean that a girl would be open to anal intercourse. Sad that he told you so many lies online and then violated your consent when you

    • Thianna D

      I know for me not getting my needs met is frustrating, but I also think mentally it might be a little easier because I&#39;m not in a relationship. If I was and they weren&#39;t getting met, that would be awful.<br /><br />I hope your Master gets better soon!

    • Joelle Casteel

      thanks, Thianna. We have two weeks approximately until His next visit to the orthopedic surgeon. He&#39;ll give the decision on more time wearing the fracture cast or if it&#39;s time for Master to move onto physical therapy. I think in part because I&#39;ve always been poly that I don&#39;t expect Him to meet all my needs, but goodness, it&#39;s hard when He&#39;s barely meeting any besides

  • Megan Michaels

    &quot;Vanilla may be a starting point!&quot; I love that! And true, I do believe the more we are exposed to kinks or a partner&#39;s interests, the more they can become ours too. What an idiot a**hole that guy was!! Can&#39;t believ you went through that. No excuse and no words to make it better. Just know that we care.

    • Thianna D

      Thanks, Megan. I&#39;m lucky in that I&#39;ve gotten to the point where I&#39;ve forgiven him and moved on so it doesn&#39;t fuck with my head. It took 6 years before I realized all the shame he covered me with by telling me afterward that I didn&#39;t say &#39;no&#39; enough. That if I&#39;d just &quot;said &#39;no&#39; one more time&quot; he would have stopped. <br /><br />There are a lot of

  • Casey McKay

    Thianna- I am so sorry that happened to you. Terrible.<br /><br />I see what you are saying in your post though. For me I think spanking is that intrinsic part of me. I remember thinking before I told my husband about it (we had only been married a year), that if he rejected me I would still have time to find someone else. I think about how ridiculous that sounds to me now, I think I even told

    • Thianna D

      Thanks, Casey πŸ™‚ <br /><br />I love how honest you are with your husband. Sign of a very mature person :)<br /><br />And we&#39;re artistic people – being dramatic comes with the territory. LOL

  • Cara Bristol

    So sorry for what you went through. I am glad that you know yourself and know what you need. Taking care of basic needs and one&#39;s safety should be nonnegotiable.


    Wow is all I can say too. It&#39;s really shitty when a guy tries to take advantage of you and gets away with it. I&#39;ll let Jolynn tell you her stranger danger story that involves rape. <br /><br />Like you said you have to make yourself happy and not settle for less. Over twenty years I settled for less and was hating it. I never cheated even though I wanted to. I waited until I was separated

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